MANCHESTER United defender Nemanja Vidic has admitted the real reason he wants to leave England is because he is afraid of Mary Poppins. The Serbian had already stunned United fans after he announced yesterday that he wanted to quit Manchester on account of the piss-awful weather. However, pals close to Vidic revealed that it was not [. Click to continue reading...

CHELSEA goalkeeper Petr Cech has been sensationally accused of stealing the identity of a traffic cone. The traffic cone, which is currently employed by the Highways Agency, claimed that the Chelsea keeper's high-visibility orange kit is tantamount to identity fraud. The traffic cone has hired a top American law firm, who specialise in representing inanimate objects, [. Click to continue reading...

PREMIER League chief Richard Scudamore has today announced that he plans to make the Premier League sack race an Olympic event by 2012. Scudamore is currently lobbying IOC members to add the Premier League sack race to the bloated list of pointless Olympic events that nobody really gives two tiny squirts of piss about. Click to continue reading...

NEWCASTLE manager Kevin Keegan has offered permanently crocked striker Michael Owen a new deal worth £21 million, on the condition he gets himself a perm. Keegan is a firm believer that success on the football pitch is mirrored by success at the hairdressers, alluding to his own classic perm that helped him twice pick up [. Click to continue reading...

ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has caused uproar today by appointing George Mainwaring from Dad's Army as his new captain. Captain Mainwaring was preferred to Rio Ferdinand and John Terry, who Capello felt did not have the necessary xenophobia required to successfully lead their countries. "We are a big fan of Dad's Army in Italy," said Capello. Click to continue reading...

FORMER England boss Steve McClaren has bizarrely claimed that he invented the banana, raising fears over his current mental health. It comes after FC Twente chairman Joop Munsterman admitted to reporters that McClaren is probably madder than King George. Suspicions over the sanity of McClaren were raised on Wednesday night, after he claimed that he had [. Click to continue reading...

A GROUP of Ancient Greeks complained today that the new prayer room at Ewood Park was inadequate for their methods of worship. The ‘multi-faith' room claims to be suitable for Blackburn supporters of all religious persuasions, from Islamic extremists to students of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. However, a group of Ancient Greeks have been quick [. Click to continue reading...

SCIENTISTS are exploring the use of psychedelic drugs such as LSD to treat the widespread myopia that affects football managers and their ability to see contentious incidents. The first clinical trials to use LSD since the 1970s began in a pub in Newham in June. It aims to use ‘psychedelic psychotherapy' to help managers overcome [. Click to continue reading...

CONCACAF minnows Honduras have emerged as favourites to win gold at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, after the Court of Arbitration in Sport (CAS) ruled that league clubs were not obliged to release their players for the tournament. Barcelona, Werder Bremen and Schalke all had a bit of a girly strop after their players expressed a wish [. Click to continue reading...

FORMER Chelsea boss Avram Grant has been offered a job on long-running BBC children's show Blue Peter. The Israeli was sacked by Chelsea after leading the club to the Champions League final for the first time in their history, but Grant has shunned a return to football management in favour of making things out of [. Click to continue reading...

PREMIER League chief executive Richard Scudamore has reacted angrily to suggestions that he was the mysterious Witness E in the Max Mosley nothing-to-do-with-Nazi's sex orgy trial. F1 boss Mr Mosley was accused earlier this year of participating in a Nazi sex orgy with five prostitutes by the ever-reliable News of the World. Click to continue reading...

SPURS have today announced plans to build a new stadium in the North East, after it was revealed most of their team were on the verge of moving to Sunderland. Chairman Daniel Levy told boss Juande Ramos they might as well just fucking move if he couldn't persuade his players to stay in North London. Click to continue reading...

THE start of the new football season is under threat after Premier League clubs revealed more than half of their squads had gone down with scurvy. The ancient skin disease is common among 16th century sailors and people who eat nothing but Morrison's ready meals. Doctors fear a combination of watching Alan Hansen smugly stuffing his [. Click to continue reading...

SPURS chairman Daniel Levy has accused Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson of being a massive hypocrite. The Tottenham axe-wielder was angered after discovering Ferguson had told a gathering of youngsters in a pub to stop drinking alcohol and betting on the horses. "It's all very well to start preaching to kids about the merits of [. Click to continue reading...

A GROUP of 12 Manchester City supporters were feared lost at sea last night after a drunk pirate claimed they had been attacked by the legendary sperm whale Moby Dick. The City fans had been sailing to the Faroe Islands for the club's UEFA Cup tie against EB Streymur, because some idiot thought it would [. Click to continue reading...