SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP

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October 20, 2008

Levy’s cowardice will save Ramos

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Martin Jol has too much humility to engage in any Teutonic acts of schadenfreude, but you might forgive him a wry smile as his former employers remain rooted to the bottom of the Premier League after the worst start in the club's 126-year history. It will be a year next Sunday since Jol was given [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 03:53 PM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP

August 28, 2008

Vidic admits: I’m afraid of Mary Poppins

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MANCHESTER United defender Nemanja Vidic has admitted the real reason he wants to leave England is because he is afraid of Mary Poppins. The Serbian had already stunned United fans after he announced yesterday that he wanted to quit Manchester on account of the piss-awful weather. However, pals close to Vidic revealed that it was not [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:27 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , England, Manchester United, Mary Poppins, Nemanja Vidic, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense

August 27, 2008

Liverpool fans banned from singing ‘You’ll never walk alone’

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LIVERPOOL fans have been banned from singing their famous anthem ‘You'll never walk alone' after a series of complaints from corporate sponsors. The decision comes after Portsmouth were told by the Football Association's commercial department to ‘shove those fucking cowbells up your collective arse and let us eat our shrimp and caviar sandwiches in peace [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:30 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Corporate wankers, Liverpool, Portsmouth, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsence, anthem, football association, peace

August 26, 2008

Traffic cone accuses Petr Cech of identity theft

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CHELSEA goalkeeper Petr Cech has been sensationally accused of stealing the identity of a traffic cone. The traffic cone, which is currently employed by the Highways Agency, claimed that the Chelsea keeper's high-visibility orange kit is tantamount to identity fraud. The traffic cone has hired a top American law firm, who specialise in representing inanimate objects, [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:44 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Chelsea, Petr Cech, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, Traffic cone, fraud, orange

August 22, 2008

Scudamore plans to make Premier League sack race an Olympic event

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PREMIER League chief Richard Scudamore has today announced that he plans to make the Premier League sack race an Olympic event by 2012. Scudamore is currently lobbying IOC members to add the Premier League sack race to the bloated list of pointless Olympic events that nobody really gives two tiny squirts of piss about. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:38 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , English Premier League, Olympics, Premier League sack race, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Sack Race, Total nonsense, richard scudamore, scudamore

August 21, 2008

England worse than pub team, says Lord Triesman

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FA chief executive Brian Barwick has been sacked after it was decided England are now officially worse than a pub team, according to FA chairman Lord Triesman. The damning verdict comes after England's hopeless 2-2 draw with the Czech Republic at Wembley on Wednesday night. Barwick was instrumental in cocking up the hiring of Luiz Filipe [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:41 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Brian Barwick, Czech Republic, England, FABIO CAPELLO, Lord Triesman, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Wembley, pub team, wednesday night

August 20, 2008

Keegan tells Owen: Get yourself a perm, kid

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NEWCASTLE manager Kevin Keegan has offered permanently crocked striker Michael Owen a new deal worth £21 million, on the condition he gets himself a perm. Keegan is a firm believer that success on the football pitch is mirrored by success at the hairdressers, alluding to his own classic perm that helped him twice pick up [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:54 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Kevin Keegan, Killer perms, Michael Owen, Newcastle United, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, perm

August 19, 2008

Exclusive: Fabio Capello appoints Captain Mainwaring

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ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has caused uproar today by appointing George Mainwaring from Dad's Army as his new captain. Captain Mainwaring was preferred to Rio Ferdinand and John Terry, who Capello felt did not have the necessary xenophobia required to successfully lead their countries. "We are a big fan of Dad's Army in Italy," said Capello. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:38 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Captain Mainwaring, England, England Captain, FABIO CAPELLO, Italy, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, boss, xenophobia

August 15, 2008

Steve McClaren: ‘I invented the banana’

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FORMER England boss Steve McClaren has bizarrely claimed that he invented the banana, raising fears over his current mental health. It comes after FC Twente chairman Joop Munsterman admitted to reporters that McClaren is probably madder than King George. Suspicions over the sanity of McClaren were raised on Wednesday night, after he claimed that he had [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:52 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Arsenal, Arsene Wenger, England, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Steve McClaren, Total nonsense, boss, wednesday night

August 14, 2008

Ancient Greeks criticise new Blackburn prayer room

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A GROUP of Ancient Greeks complained today that the new prayer room at Ewood Park was inadequate for their methods of worship. The ‘multi-faith' room claims to be suitable for Blackburn supporters of all religious persuasions, from Islamic extremists to students of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. However, a group of Ancient Greeks have been quick [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:46 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Ancient Greeks, Blackburn Rovers, Diabolism, Ewood Park, Prayer Room, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, faith

August 13, 2008

Manchester much worse than Bangkok Hilton, says Shinawatra

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EXILED Manchester City boss Thaksin Shinawatra has sensationally claimed that life in Manchester is much worse than being locked up in the Bangkok Hilton. The former Thai Prime Minister had been facing a possible jail sentence in his native country for allegedly stealing a 'shit load' of money from the treasury and then casually buying [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:15 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Insolvent liars, Manchester City, Mark Hughes, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Thaksin Shinawatra, money

August 12, 2008

Hallucinogens tested to treat managers ‘who don’t see things’

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SCIENTISTS are exploring the use of psychedelic drugs such as LSD to treat the widespread myopia that affects football managers and their ability to see contentious incidents. The first clinical trials to use LSD since the 1970s began in a pub in Newham in June. It aims to use ‘psychedelic psychotherapy' to help managers overcome [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:00 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Chelsea, Football managers, LSD, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Sven Goran Eriksson, Total nonsense

August 11, 2008

FA revise plans for ‘Respect’ campaign

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THE FA have revised their new ‘Respect' campaign after it was realised just telling players to respect referees would be about as effective as Osama bin Laden skipping into Washington with an extended olive branch and giving George Bush a kiss on the cheek. FA officials were said to have voiced concerns about the current [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:22 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Marquis de Sade, Osama Bin Laden, Respect Campaign, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, discipline, fa, george bush, kiss, referees

August 8, 2008

Honduras emerge as favourites for Olympic Gold

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CONCACAF minnows Honduras have emerged as favourites to win gold at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, after the Court of Arbitration in Sport (CAS) ruled that league clubs were not obliged to release their players for the tournament. Barcelona, Werder Bremen and Schalke all had a bit of a girly strop after their players expressed a wish [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:17 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , 2008 Beijing Olympics, CONCACAF, Gabby Logan, Honduras, Olympics, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, arbitration, schalke

August 7, 2008

Napoli fan encourages Gillingham ‘hillbillies’ to sue Peter Crouch

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GILLINGHAM fans were last night rumoured to be mounting a legal bid against Peter Crouch after he called residents of Gillingham a bunch of ‘toothless hillbillies' in his autobiography. It comes after a Napoli fan successfully sued Inter Milan this week for displaying banners at the San Siro claiming that Naples was the ‘sewer of [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:50 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Deliverance, Gillingham, Inter Milan, Naples, Peter Crouch, Pointless autobiographies, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, San Siro

August 6, 2008

Rangers announce secession from Europe

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UEFA Cup finalists Glasgow Rangers have sensationally cut ties with Europe, fuelling speculation that Scotland intends to declare itself an autonomous continent and everybody else can go to hell. SNP supporter Walter Smith said that Rangers deliberately lost to Lithuanian side FBK Kaunas in protest over ‘meddling Euro fat cats in Brussels' who want to [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:48 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Europe, Glasgow Rangers, Kaunas, Rangers, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Scotland, Scottish nationalism, Speculation, UEFA Cup, Walter Smith, protest

August 5, 2008

Ipswich on terror alert after Welshman’s volley of abuse considered ‘unconstructive’

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IPSWICH town council moved to reassure the public today that they would be safe after Ipswich suffered its most scariest verbal abuse attack in more than a decade. The incident happened after West Ham striker Craig Bellamy was substituted during their 5-3 victory over Ipswich Town at Portman Road last night. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:21 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Craig Bellamy, Ipswich Town, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Verbal abuse, West Ham, decade, striker, victory

August 4, 2008

Scudamore targets winter ‘break’ for his rampant megalomania

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RICHARD ‘Baldrick' Scudamore, the contumacious Premier League chief executive behind the much-criticised proposal for an ‘international round' of matches, has drafted a revised plan designed to sidestep opposition from FIFA and the Football Association. Scudamore was forced to bin his original plans after Sepp Blatter indicated such a venture would undermine England's 2018 World Cup bid, [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:06 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , 39th Game, Baldrick, Chief Executive, England, English Premier League, FIFA, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Winter Break, World Cup, blatter, football association, opposition, richard scudamore, scudamore

August 1, 2008

Rooney quizzed by cops over sweet shop row

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MANCHESTER United striker Wayne Rooney has been cautioned by police after being caught stealing sweets in central London. The alleged incident took place on Tuesday afternoon in a corner shop near Oxford Street. The United player was not arrested, but police read the striker his legal rights and are now continuing their investigations. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:17 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Alex Ferguson, Cops, Manchester United, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Shoplifting, Wayne Rooney, striker

July 31, 2008

Liverpool players complain new kit is too itchy

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LIVERPOOL players complained last night that their new away kit was to blame for their excruciatingly tedious 0-0 draw with Spanish side Villarreal. They said the retro grey away kit is not only a massive eyesore, but it is too fucking itchy. New striker Robbie Keane moaned, "You would think if they can afford to spunk [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:43 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Liverpool, Ominous grey away kits, Robbie Keane, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, striker, villarreal

July 30, 2008

Karadzic: Scudamore made me do it

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RADOVAN Karadzic, the former Bosnian Serb leader extradited to The Hague on 11 charges of war crimes, has sensationally claimed that Premier League chief Richard Scudamore made him do it. Karadzic is accused of giving orders for the genocide of 8,000 Muslims in Srebrenica, but the Bosnian Serb maintains he was merely acting as a [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:24 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , English Premier League, False identities, Radavan Karadzic, Radovan Karadzic, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, War crimes, richard scudamore, scudamore

July 29, 2008

Harriet Harman takes temporary charge of England

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MASSIVELY demented Labour deputy Harriet Harman has demanded that she take charge of the England national team while Fabio Capello is on holiday, prompting pundits to claim she will be the first woman to take charge of the national team since Glenn Hoddle's departure in 1999. But Mr Capello – who last week claimed the [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:33 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Daft old hag, England, England National Team, FABIO CAPELLO, Glenn Hoddle, Harriet Harman, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, pundits

July 28, 2008

Avram Grant lands ‘dream job’ as Blue Peter presenter

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FORMER Chelsea boss Avram Grant has been offered a job on long-running BBC children's show Blue Peter. The Israeli was sacked by Chelsea after leading the club to the Champions League final for the first time in their history, but Grant has shunned a return to football management in favour of making things out of [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:46 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , BBC, Champions League, Chelsea, Roman Abramovich, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, avram grant, boss, football management

July 25, 2008

Phil Neville in David Moyes kidnap riddle

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CLEFT-FOOTED Everton midfielder Phil Neville has mysteriously been offered a new four-year contract at the club. Neville claimed to reporters that it was ‘easy' to get his new contract, boasting about the fact it took just one phone call and one meeting rather than six-months of pointless haggling. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:00 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , David Moyes, Everton FC, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, kidnapping, phil neville

July 24, 2008

I am not Witness E, claims Premier League chief Richard Scudamore

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PREMIER League chief executive Richard Scudamore has reacted angrily to suggestions that he was the mysterious Witness E in the Max Mosley nothing-to-do-with-Nazi's sex orgy trial. F1 boss Mr Mosley was accused earlier this year of participating in a Nazi sex orgy with five prostitutes by the ever-reliable News of the World. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:36 PM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Chief Executive, English Premier League, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Sick 'Nazi' sex orgy, Total nonsense, boss, news of the world, prostitutes, richard scudamore, scudamore

Tottenham Hotspur to build new stadium in North East

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SPURS have today announced plans to build a new stadium in the North East, after it was revealed most of their team were on the verge of moving to Sunderland. Chairman Daniel Levy told boss Juande Ramos they might as well just fucking move if he couldn't persuade his players to stay in North London. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:39 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Daniel Levy, Football Stadiums, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Spurs, Sunderland, Total nonsense, boss, tottenham hotspur, verge

July 23, 2008

Scurvy epidemic threatens start of new season

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THE start of the new football season is under threat after Premier League clubs revealed more than half of their squads had gone down with scurvy. The ancient skin disease is common among 16th century sailors and people who eat nothing but Morrison's ready meals. Doctors fear a combination of watching Alan Hansen smugly stuffing his [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:30 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Alan Hansen, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Scurvy epidemic, Steven Gerrard, Total nonsense

July 22, 2008

Dyer confident he can pick up new injury

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INJURY-PRONE wastrel Kieron Dyer today announced that he is fit again and therefore determined to pick up his next injury. Dyer has been sidelined for the last 11 months after breaking his fragile little leg against Bristol Rovers in the Carling Cup. The West Ham winger has played around 10 minutes of football in the last [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 06:07 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Bristol Rovers, Carling Cup, Craig Bellamy, Keiron Dyer, Public displays of affection, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, West Ham, Work-shy malingerers, winger

July 21, 2008

Hypocrite! Levy slams Ferguson for double standards

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SPURS chairman Daniel Levy has accused Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson of being a massive hypocrite. The Tottenham axe-wielder was angered after discovering Ferguson had told a gathering of youngsters in a pub to stop drinking alcohol and betting on the horses. "It's all very well to start preaching to kids about the merits of [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 06:15 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Alex Ferguson, Daniel Levy, Manchester United, Rafa Benitez, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Sir Alex Ferguson, Spurs, Total nonsense, boss

July 18, 2008

New FA license unfair, says man who sold his Gran

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AN unlicensed football agent who sold his Gran for a fiver complained yesterday that new FA regulations preventing unlicensed agents from raping and pillaging football for all that it's worth is completely unfair. The new FA regulations state that all unlicensed agents must be able to successfully spell their own names out in blood and [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:57 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , FA license, Football agents, People you can't trust, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, luton town

July 16, 2008

Manchester City fans attacked by Moby Dick, says drunk pirate

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A GROUP of 12 Manchester City supporters were feared lost at sea last night after a drunk pirate claimed they had been attacked by the legendary sperm whale Moby Dick. The City fans had been sailing to the Faroe Islands for the club's UEFA Cup tie against EB Streymur, because some idiot thought it would [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 03:54 PM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Faroe Islands, Manchester City, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Total nonsense, UEFA Cup, When animals attack

Simon Jordan to sell Crystal Palace to ghost of Robert Maxwell

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SATSUMA-TINGED Simon Jordan has announced plans to sell Crystal Palace to the ghost of Robert Maxwell. The former Oompa-Loompa and Kilroy tribute act took over at Palace in 2000 when he rescued the club from going into administration. Since then Jordan has butchered his way through eight managers, which has earned him a reputation as [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 06:32 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Crystal Palace, Eccentric chairman, Fake tan, Ghosts, Robert Maxwell, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, ghost, reputation, simon jordan

July 15, 2008

Wenger: I want to adopt another orphan

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ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger is to adopt another child from abroad – after breaking down in tears when he realised most of his current squad of players want to leave. The Frenchman, nicknamed Fagin by pals, is world famous for recruiting young fingersmiths from foreign shores to carry out his miscellaneous larceny. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 05:42 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Arsenal, Arsene Wenger, Foreign pickpockets, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, transfer gossip

July 14, 2008

Carrick told to get some f*cking perspective

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MICHAEL Carrick was today told to get some fucking perspective, after he claimed to reporters that he could do a much better job than Cristiano Ronaldo. The lanky midfielder scored from the penalty spot in a friendly against Aberdeen at the weekend, and now the modest West Ham reject believes he is the man to [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 04:47 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Cristiano Ronaldo, Ill thought out comments, Manchester United, Michael Carrick, Ronaldo, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, West Ham, aberdeen, midfielder, perspective

July 11, 2008

Paul Ince unveils plans for state-of-the-art retirement home

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NEW Blackburn Rovers manager Paul Ince has unveiled plans for the Premier League's most glamorous retirement home. Following Sam Allardyce's departure from Bolton, ageing footballers have been left to rot in the lower leagues, or forced to retire with some passing semblance of dignity. Now players who are in the fading twilight of their careers [. Click to continue reading...
Load of Balls @ 06:00 AM EST | Blog Profile | Post Detail
Tags: , Blackburn Rovers, Bolton, Elderly footballers, English Premier League, Paul Ince, SLANDER, RUMOURS AND STUFF WE COMPLETELY MADE UP, Sam Allardyce, footballers, robbie fowler
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