Finally, we can rid our minds of the most annoying, tiresome saga of the past couple of years. Yes, Frank Lampard has commited to Chelsea for five more years.

Lamps' new contract will take him to age 35.

"I want to finish my career at Chelsea," Lampard said. It is something I've said many times and after signing this contract I am very happy and positive I will finish as a player here.

"Further to media reports, Chelsea Football Club can confirm we have made an offer to Real Madrid today (Thursday, August 7) for the transfer of Robinho."

Says a statement on the official Chelsea FC website. Short and sweet, eh? This ordeal, however, is certain to be anything but.

So we finally lodged a bid for the pint-sized Brazilian so true to Uncle Phil's heart.

Lokomotiv Moscow 1, Chelsea 1 (Lokomotiv 5-4 on penalties)

Moscow was a nightmare once again for the Blues. So, too, were penalty shoots for one Andriy Shevchenko. Sheva's penalty miss cost us the match, one we largely dominated. Michael Essien continued his strong preseason, handing us the lead in the 27th minute.

::Chelsea fans breathe collective sigh of relief::

It's been quite a week for Chelsea Football Club. You could probably say, historic. A Chelsea legend has returned to France, two of the club's best Cech & Essien inked extensions, Lampard looks like he's staying for at least another season and Scolari got the club off to a rousing start in preseason.

The Blues set off the preseason in fine fashion Wednesday, blanking Guangzhou Pharmaceutical 4-0 in China. Peep the photos below. Looks like Deco is already finding form.

A new era in Chelsea football begins tomorrow. Uncle Phil, Deco, The Bos Jose Bosingwa if you must make their Blues debuts, along with the rest of the crew, in the club's first preseason match, against Guangzhou Pharmaceutical.

What a crazy club name. Anyway, it'll give us fans at least those with Chelsea TV a chance to see how the club is being shaped under the new regime.

I'm think I'm going to be sick.

"I think Claude has this kind of gift - he's been the best player in the team for years but people just don't notice him, don't notice what he does. But you ask anyone at Real Madrid during the years we were talking about and they will tell you he was the best player at Real. We all knew, the players all knew he was the most important.

Big Pete Cech returns for preseason training and acts all girly & shit. Sack up, man.

Does anyone want to explain this whole Robinho ordeal to me? Seriously, I've got no idea what's going on.

Just a day ago, the pint-sized Brazilian was quoted in an array out media outlets saying: "I hope to remain at Real Madrid this year. Now I am only thinking about Madrid. I am not prepared to enter into the operation to sign Cristiano"

Scratch that.

It sure seems that way.

According to the Guardian, the Milan club are prepared to offer £15 million plus yes, plus Adriano. Are you kidding me? This rumor just reeks of nonsense.

However, it could be true right? We all know The Ordinary One is desperate to land Lampard.

Luiz Felipe Scolari rolled the out the broken English I actually thought he was fairly decent today, and other than calling his management "so-so," his most glaring contribution to the press conference was his comments regarding Frank Lampard. Uncle Phil said he had spoken with Franky and that he was under the impression that Lamps would remain at Chelsea for "many years.

Chelsea Ladies sign Arsenal Pair
Power in the Premier League, ladies that is, may be shifting. Chelsea has inked a pair of former Gunners, Lianne Sanderson and Anita Asante. Both were considered shock exits from Arsenal, which has dominated the women's league for decades. Sanderson has been the Prem's top scorer the past two seasons.

They've done away with the Flash. Can you believe
it?

Finally, after months of frustration, Chelsea has scrapped its original website design. The club unveiled a completely revamped joint today and, I must say, this is infinitely better than the previous page.

Overall, it's a much cleaner look.

Today marks the fifth anniversary of Roman Abramovich's takeover of Chelsea. It was the biggest in British football history at the time £140 million and, I must say, it has worked out quite well for the club thus far.

Two Prem titles, two Carling Cups, one Community Shield, an FA Cup and a Champions League final later, Chelsea is now moving into phase 2 of the revolution, with Uncle Phil & Co.

It looks as if throwing up on your lover, especially one that isn't your wife, in the middle of naughtiness isn't as bad as you'd think. Cashley's wife, Cheryl seemed to have severed ties with her hubby following his infamous erotic night on the town in January. Now it appears the two have reconciled after they were seen together on Cheryl's 25th birthday night.

Michael Ballack is two wins away from leading Ze Germans to another European championship. Ballack, who opened the tournament in awful fashion, has powered his country back into contention with a pair of superlative performances against Austria and Portugal. On the cusp of a semifinal date with Turkey, let's take a visual look at the German captain's rampaging work thus far in Austria and Switzerland.

Chelsea players haven't had the best Euro 2008. Well, with the exception of Michael Ballack. Let's take a visual look back at the Blues' finest (minus Ballack) in Austria and Switzerland. P.S. I think that Pete Cech ferris wheel gave him a big head.

Luiz Felipe Scolari, from now on here at the Offside known as Uncle Phil, hasn't even taken over at Chelsea yet. That hasn't stopped the rumor mill, and it's continued ridiculousness, from churning out obscene amounts of transfer speculation regarding the club. A whole heap of numbers is being thrown around, but the one popping up the most is £100mil.

BBC online is reporting that Chelsea are eyeing Steve Kean for a possible senior coaching role at the club. Let me be the first to say: Who?

Kean, currently an assistant at Coventry City, has been the No. 2 to Cookie Coleman since his stoic days at Fulham. During his playing career Kean spent time with Celtic and in Portugal with Académica de Coimbra.

The man every Chelsea supporter knew wouldn't play and didn't has finally move on (we hope). Sky, among numerous other outlets, are reporting that the Blues and Aston Villa have agreed a £5.5 million transfer fee for Chelsea reserves stud Steve Sidwell.

Cashley escorts Siddy out of town.

He's giving Phil Jackson advice. Wait, what?  Avram the Gone has been a guest of the NBA's Los Angeles Lakers this week as the team attempts to revive its championship series with the Boston Celtics. Grant & Phil chatted it up before the Lakers' 103-98 win in Hollywood on Sunday.

"We talked about the situation that happened with Chelsea in the Manchester game, the disappointment John Terry had," Jackson said.

The rivalry between Uncle Phil and The Ordinary One is well-documented. Today, Mourinho buried the hatchet somewhat.

His Ordinariness defended Louie Scolari's decision to accept the managerial position at Chelsea while still coaching Portugal through a Euro 2008 campaign.

"The timing of the news?

In this rousing video, Salomon Kalou is asked a series of season-ending questions. Dude really goes in on Obi-Wan Mikel. The way he describes the Nigerian's dress, it makes you wonder: Is Obi swinging both ways?

This just in, Portugal manager Luiz Felipe Scolari has been named Chelsea manager. Shocking news. Really.

From the Chelsea FC official Web Site...

"Chelsea Football Club is delighted to confirm that Luiz Felipe Scolari will be the club's new manager from July 1, 2008.

Felipe has great qualities.

I dislike the Boston Celtics. Let me rephrase that: I hate the Celtics. Paul Pierce has the ugliest game known to man. James Posey isn't that far behind. And PJ Brown, well, useless.

But their icon, the man they traded about 32 players for, Kevin Garnett, is a Chelsea fan.

Euro 2008 is off to a rousing start. Rousing? Well, at least Greece lost. The first round of games have been completed, so let's take a look at how Chelsea players have faired thus far in Austria and Switzerland.

Jose Bosingwa
Our newest signing was undoubtedly our best performer through round 1.

Chelsea midfielder Michael Ballack gives the audience one of those James Bond/Jason Bourne looks as he boards a plane for Lugano. Goldfinger is no doubt piloting this flight.

The Special One correction: The Ordinary One was officially revealed as Inter Milan's brand spanking new manager today. He looked daiper as always, blurting out all kinds of smooth talk in a G'd up suit and tie.

However, there's this one part where he big ups himself like The Special One we know when asked if he would be seeking to sign some of his former players from Chelsea.

This is weird and Sky has some explaining to do. After this morning's reports, revealing that AC Milan manager Carlo Ancelotti's representatives had reached an agreement with Chelsea, we now have been told that's a load of crock.

The Milan club released a statement denying the rumor. Ancelotti spoke out as well.

Earlier today, Sky Sports reported that Chelsea were holding talks with representatives for current AC Milan manager, and Chelsea top target, Carlo Ancelotti. Now, the outlet says a deal between the two has been agreed. Whoa.

The next step, obviously, would be for Chelsea to agree a deal with Milan over a move.

Big Phil at the top of the list
Several outlets, including the Guardian and the Times, now see Portugal manager Luiz Felipe Scolari as the top candidate to take over at Stamford Bridge next season. Rijkaard and Mark Hughes apparently join him on a three-man shortlist. If Scolari is indeed the man, he likely won't sign until after Euro 2008.

Really? Do the kids spend the day just sitting around and occasionally getting up to stretch?

We still don't have a manager. So we really don't know which megalomaniacs will be staying, leaving or coming to the club. However, that doesn't mean we can't speculate on who will be earning 100K somewhere else next season. Really, these are the guys who should be gone. Immediately. Bye.

Didier Drogba
The Ivorian schizophrenic has no clue what he wants, where he would like to be or who to slap next.