It's pretty treacherous being a Liverpool player these days. In case you haven't been receiving updates from the police scanner over the last couple of years, almost half of the entire squad now have been the victims of break-ins at their palatial residences. The latest to be violated is everyone's favourite waste of space Jermaine Pennant, as the mansion he shares with the delectable Amii Grove was targeted two nights ago by thieves in the night.

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The best thing about being a footballer is having really cool mates. You know, the celebrity equivalent of that kid at school who had his 18th birthday on a boat cruising up and down the Thames, only this time the boat is rotating bed covered in topless models, and the river is a swimming pool full of champagne and cocaine. Click to continue reading...

Dr Frankenstein gets a pretty bad rep these days. If you think about it though he was only doing what all visionary scientists do and pushing the boundaries of the possible; it's not like he was just assembling various female bodyparts to create his ultimate sex toy. But before you get carried away, this piece is unfortunately not about a mad inventor kidnapping the world's best players, physically cutting them up and building his dream footballer. Click to continue reading...

As is the way these days, Sunday seemed to be the focus of this weekend's action, with four pretty entertaining games taking place, including the two big derbies. We'll come back to the afternoon game in London later and instead start t'up north with the defending champions Manchester United.

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Already this Premier League season we've had a couple of pretty decent missile-throwing incidents, but does anyone else think as a whole this country is getting into a bit of a creative rut? Come on people, try a bit harder, it's always bloody coins! What we at STT are looking for is a bit more passion and situational invention; you know, the kind of spirit that just says "I am so pissed off right now that I'm just going to throw my son's PSP at that prick Lampard. Click to continue reading...

The great thing about WAGs is that left to their own devices they just become primal nymphomaniacs, incapable of anything approaching rational thought without either a man or a camera to tell them what to do. At least that's how The Daily Fascist views them anyway, with "sex-starved" Carly Zucker and Nicola McLean apparently already falling apart in some jungle as part of some pointless reality TV show.

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Anyone who knows anyone who supports one of the top-4 teams in this country will have undoubtedly heard time and time again just how frustrating it is not being able to get a match ticket. You see, for plenty of Premier League clubs the demand far outweighs the supply, and so they have to set up ridiculously complicated ‘supporter reward' schemes, where they measure how ‘big' a fan you are and only allow you to buy tickets accordingly.

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For those readers who have only ever known life in the Premier League, the name Gareth Ainsworth might not mean anything, but anyone who's ever followed lower league football will have certainly crossed paths with the current QPR player/coach. You see, he's from the old school, back when men were men, and training consisted purely of chips and a yard of ale.

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So it's been a little while since we've covered good old fashioned football hooliganism, mainly because there has been a real lack of decent action in the press of late. However, do not fear that as a country we are softening, rather instead that the media big-wigs just have more pressing crusades at the moment. Click to continue reading...

Wow, what a boring weekend of football. The big-4 managed precisely zero goals between them, but take nothing away from Newcastle, Aston Villa and Fulham who all battled hard for their goalless draws.

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We at STT take great pleasure when football crosses over into cinema, mainly because the results tend to be just so ridiculous. This is no exception.

Constructing my perfect movie, there are certain elements that must be there: clever pun in the title, East End of London setting, larger-than-life ‘gangstas,' ex-convict-trying-to-go-straight-but-only-after-this-final-job narrative, an incongruous appearance by an American rapper, Danny Dyer playing Danny Dyer, and Executive Producer credits for Premier League footballers. Click to continue reading...

As silly-dressing-up season dawns on us, we at STT are looking forward to more hilarious Christmas party antics involving superhero costumes and gang-rape. Now most teams produce Christmas cards to mass-mail out to all club members, but Middlesbrough this year have pushed the boat out somewhat and produced an absolute cracker. Click to continue reading...

It's a funny thing being an Arsenal-hater. Let me explain. As far as I'm concerned they are always fair game because deep down I know that they try and play the game the right way, and are capable of the spectacular. You can say whatever you want about their pretentious hypocrite of a manager, their spineless players and their mute fans, because ultimately they're going to be there-or-thereabouts for four pieces of silverware a season without fail.

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I always think it's sweet when established alpha-male footballers get a little mini-Me-style peg boy to follow them around at their club and just generally tell them they're great. Michael Essien got lonely at Chelsea, so they bought him John Obi Mikel to stroke his hair and toss his salad. When Thierry Henry was getting restless at Arsenal, they bought him little Theo Woolcott to break in his new boots and make him midnight sandwiches. Click to continue reading...

Those of you with good memories will remember that way back in 1970 Alan Ball was the first player to make a fashion statement with his boots. Until the then-Everton star wore white Hummel boots, it had never been conceived that football boots should be anything other than black.

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